1
Thinking too much, or just reality?
Posted by Dan. Ee.
on
1:55 AM
As always, it has been a great long while since I posted anything noteworthy for anyone to read.
If there's anyone reading.. that is.
Melancholic moment of writer's low esteem aside, I want to say something about a certain matter about a fear of mine.
It resurfaces itself once every so often when I am at my most relaxed state. Naturally, when you're relaxed, your mind tend to wander on it's own; and you can't exactly direct where it wants to go. Once you already started to think of something, it either gives you a wide, knowing smile, the kind of smile that makes people would think you're half mad or being high on a substance.
Or you could think about thoughts that would drop you into the deepest caverns of despair, ones that would chain itself unpleasantly, linking to more and more grievous matters and outcomes and dreams. And these are the ones that would ruin your mood, and makes you feel indifferent to concerns that are not your own. Words and music are just sounds to your head, colours seem to morph to gray, and your taste buds will no longer recognize taste. You will be rigged to those unpleasant thoughts, until it eventually blows up and everything's normal again.
I feel the latter.
It was a regular night, and I just had a four hour conversation with a long time crush of mine. Bidding each other adieu and goodnight, I switched off the computer and turned to my bed for a short slumber.
Then as I lied down, relaxed as I am, my thoughts drifted about her.
Smiling, thinking about unlikely outcomes and scenarios between me and her.
But pretty soon, these thoughts gravitated into a living nightmare, a waking dream, as invasive thoughts start to pry themselves inside.
I thought of having a relationship with her, with my crush. Should she accept, I know I would be stoked, euphoric, jumping till my head hits the ceiling euphoric.
And that's when the invasion of facts and sense began; they were already forcing their logic on my fantasy. I would then think that my relationship with her would be impossible. I would then think that even if she had felt strongly for me as I did for her, it would be a fruitless endeavour.
Then my mind projected different pathways - all leading to a somewhat sad ending for the both of us. In relationships, things always don't go as we would like it to be. Theories and articles about maintaining a perfect relationship would die in this reality - such words are only cold comfort.
I imagined what would happen if we fought, would it be as bad as the ones I had with my ex years ago? And if it turned out really bad, what would then happen? Would we break up?
Then what about the friendship that's built in the past? The solid 10 years, a friend that I very much liked, a friend that I shared so much opinions and thoughts together. Also a friend that offered me so much support and encouragement when the chips were down, and a friend who, literally, possesses the same arguments and opinions that I do on most things around the both of us.
Would it be brittle and then shatter? Would it be then swept away in the cruel wind of time?
And then we would be strangers, with all the beautiful memories once shared, becomes a wound that would never heal. A scar would be between us, an ugly, painful scar.
As much as I want to be in a relationship with her because of similarities, and her overall great personality and looks, I am afraid. Of what would be of our friendship.
If I give that up,
I'd be giving up the only friend that actually gave three flying fucks about me.
And the male instinct programmed into my genetic code since my birth insists that I should be with this girl, because there is no other female that matches her in terms of, well, everything. She would be the perfect person to grow old with, the perfect girl to be a lover and a best friend at the same time.
Or maybe I am just thinking too much....?
Maybe that's it.
I am over thinking things.
If there's anyone reading.. that is.
Melancholic moment of writer's low esteem aside, I want to say something about a certain matter about a fear of mine.
It resurfaces itself once every so often when I am at my most relaxed state. Naturally, when you're relaxed, your mind tend to wander on it's own; and you can't exactly direct where it wants to go. Once you already started to think of something, it either gives you a wide, knowing smile, the kind of smile that makes people would think you're half mad or being high on a substance.
Or you could think about thoughts that would drop you into the deepest caverns of despair, ones that would chain itself unpleasantly, linking to more and more grievous matters and outcomes and dreams. And these are the ones that would ruin your mood, and makes you feel indifferent to concerns that are not your own. Words and music are just sounds to your head, colours seem to morph to gray, and your taste buds will no longer recognize taste. You will be rigged to those unpleasant thoughts, until it eventually blows up and everything's normal again.
I feel the latter.
It was a regular night, and I just had a four hour conversation with a long time crush of mine. Bidding each other adieu and goodnight, I switched off the computer and turned to my bed for a short slumber.
Then as I lied down, relaxed as I am, my thoughts drifted about her.
Smiling, thinking about unlikely outcomes and scenarios between me and her.
But pretty soon, these thoughts gravitated into a living nightmare, a waking dream, as invasive thoughts start to pry themselves inside.
I thought of having a relationship with her, with my crush. Should she accept, I know I would be stoked, euphoric, jumping till my head hits the ceiling euphoric.
And that's when the invasion of facts and sense began; they were already forcing their logic on my fantasy. I would then think that my relationship with her would be impossible. I would then think that even if she had felt strongly for me as I did for her, it would be a fruitless endeavour.
Then my mind projected different pathways - all leading to a somewhat sad ending for the both of us. In relationships, things always don't go as we would like it to be. Theories and articles about maintaining a perfect relationship would die in this reality - such words are only cold comfort.
I imagined what would happen if we fought, would it be as bad as the ones I had with my ex years ago? And if it turned out really bad, what would then happen? Would we break up?
Then what about the friendship that's built in the past? The solid 10 years, a friend that I very much liked, a friend that I shared so much opinions and thoughts together. Also a friend that offered me so much support and encouragement when the chips were down, and a friend who, literally, possesses the same arguments and opinions that I do on most things around the both of us.
Would it be brittle and then shatter? Would it be then swept away in the cruel wind of time?
And then we would be strangers, with all the beautiful memories once shared, becomes a wound that would never heal. A scar would be between us, an ugly, painful scar.
As much as I want to be in a relationship with her because of similarities, and her overall great personality and looks, I am afraid. Of what would be of our friendship.
If I give that up,
I'd be giving up the only friend that actually gave three flying fucks about me.
And the male instinct programmed into my genetic code since my birth insists that I should be with this girl, because there is no other female that matches her in terms of, well, everything. She would be the perfect person to grow old with, the perfect girl to be a lover and a best friend at the same time.
Or maybe I am just thinking too much....?
Maybe that's it.
I am over thinking things.
