Contempt.

Amazing how life makes a fool out of me.

Gifted with wonderful parents, a wonderful family, and an overall good life.

But

I was not granted the ability to think decisively when selecting my choice of... everything else these 20 years.

Choice of friends? I surely have made a blunder of myself. Thanks to my overtly shy attitude. I have people walking to me instead of me walking to them. Indirectly, I sorta become indebted to them. For that, I am like a shadow in most gatherings. My words won't hold sway, my actions won't prick the tiniest minds, and my presence is like the wind- It is felt, but it is gone as soon as you have felt it.

Choice of relationships?

I am an idiot when it comes to this. Chasing after a girl for 7 years, I surmised that what I was doing was not 'sweet', it was more of a pinch of stupidity, mixed with a half cup of desperation and a full gallon of shyness. I can't even find a right girl to court with. Imagine 7 years of your life, wasted just like that, it is gone, it won't come back. And yet that glimmer of hope refuse to extinguish itself. That's my curse. My punishment. My idiotic tenacity.

I mean, she already said no plenty of times. That's me.

Choice of studies.

I can't even decide what to do in my life. It is all about prestige, money, glamour. It is never about doing what you really want. I am doing something I hate since my early secondary days - scientific stuff. All I ever wanted to do, is to write, and to learn languages, and learn about the human history. I am a person who is not at all interested, in the trappings of the digital world, or even the Ethernet driven society of today. I just want to write, let people read and I want to speak and learn the many cultures and languages in the world.

It is never about looking forward for me.

Now stagnant in a university that I am starting to grow and hate, I am helpless, chained like a poisoned animal in a cage, dying slowly in its shackles. I just got word that I did badly last semester, and my education loan is anything but approved. And my parents have no money left.

And the course I took is dead costly. Brilliant course of action in my part, if I said so myself.

So you see my forever invisible readers?

My life is pretty messed up.

I rather trade poverty for diligence in studies,

I rather trade my English fluency to any other languages,

I rather trade this life for another, where I could be alone in some foreign country,

I rather would want to be independent and alone, rather than have everyone who seems to have you back but not actually - which is more or less the same.

But if I do have a wish at all, is to do what I want right. for once. in this sorrowful, sad life of mine.

Out.