Well those few days were an absolute emotional train track gone of the tracks.. I completely lost it.

Although I am known to keep my cool most of the time (I have references) but when I lose my head, it will be all over the floor, shattered and scattered. It took me a while to find myself back in order..

Regardless, after a knocking round or two by a couple of friends of mine, I am glad to announce.. that me is back on track, and ready to lay waste on this university who is trying so hard to suck off my money by purposefully putting me in such a dreadfully financially prone position *inhalessssss*

Yeah.

So to speak, I would like address another mishap that has rather happened to me lately. But first, I would to say that, helping others, doesn't carry much weight as it used to be back in the old days. In relation to that, I would say, that after much helping someone with their tasks, I myself have lost my innate ability to write, to expound, to rabble, or to CRAP.

Yes folks, I have noticed, that my writing has sort of like.. siphoned off while helping with them tasks. Ridiculous notion, but when you're placed in my shoes, my boots, my flip flops or whatever, the train of thought tend to bring me to the ludicrous implications (causes) never would've conceived by a person who is actually sober.

Mash that, I gotten over that, and I am building up them skills to help out with the only thing I actually find I am good at; (hell, it rhymed?) Writing.

Nixing these words, I am heading to fix my life all over again. The Man-Up-Top or God, He has thrown me another Get-Out-Of-The-Unfixable card for the umpteenth time despite me being severely lacking in deposits of my religious account up there in St. Peter's books. For all that I know, I do think however, He wants me to once again walk the right path. I am striving however, I am doing my best.. or that's what I think. Religious wise, I will save this for another long winded post.

If there was anyone kind, and supple and pretty, as well having an eye for good literature, that reads this, I assure you, what you are reading is the utter nonsensical ramblings of a mid-adult crisis student in a middle of blazin' nowhere university.

*winks*

Out. Been a while since I wrote my heart out like this. No, I am not aspiring to be another crappy vampire love story writer.

Out. for real.

Amazing how life makes a fool out of me.

Gifted with wonderful parents, a wonderful family, and an overall good life.

But

I was not granted the ability to think decisively when selecting my choice of... everything else these 20 years.

Choice of friends? I surely have made a blunder of myself. Thanks to my overtly shy attitude. I have people walking to me instead of me walking to them. Indirectly, I sorta become indebted to them. For that, I am like a shadow in most gatherings. My words won't hold sway, my actions won't prick the tiniest minds, and my presence is like the wind- It is felt, but it is gone as soon as you have felt it.

Choice of relationships?

I am an idiot when it comes to this. Chasing after a girl for 7 years, I surmised that what I was doing was not 'sweet', it was more of a pinch of stupidity, mixed with a half cup of desperation and a full gallon of shyness. I can't even find a right girl to court with. Imagine 7 years of your life, wasted just like that, it is gone, it won't come back. And yet that glimmer of hope refuse to extinguish itself. That's my curse. My punishment. My idiotic tenacity.

I mean, she already said no plenty of times. That's me.

Choice of studies.

I can't even decide what to do in my life. It is all about prestige, money, glamour. It is never about doing what you really want. I am doing something I hate since my early secondary days - scientific stuff. All I ever wanted to do, is to write, and to learn languages, and learn about the human history. I am a person who is not at all interested, in the trappings of the digital world, or even the Ethernet driven society of today. I just want to write, let people read and I want to speak and learn the many cultures and languages in the world.

It is never about looking forward for me.

Now stagnant in a university that I am starting to grow and hate, I am helpless, chained like a poisoned animal in a cage, dying slowly in its shackles. I just got word that I did badly last semester, and my education loan is anything but approved. And my parents have no money left.

And the course I took is dead costly. Brilliant course of action in my part, if I said so myself.

So you see my forever invisible readers?

My life is pretty messed up.

I rather trade poverty for diligence in studies,

I rather trade my English fluency to any other languages,

I rather trade this life for another, where I could be alone in some foreign country,

I rather would want to be independent and alone, rather than have everyone who seems to have you back but not actually - which is more or less the same.

But if I do have a wish at all, is to do what I want right. for once. in this sorrowful, sad life of mine.

Out.

falling..

and falling deeper into the torrid blackness.

Light seems to be a distant memory.

Voices start to call out the names.

Voices soon grew into chants.

And the chants soon grew into disembodied screams.

stop.

Stands up.

But sees nothing except the endless void.

Soon it crumbles.

And it falls under the feet.

Screams seem to fade, muffled.

Writhing hands seem to feel.

Images start to project across the mind.

A pair of red eyes bore into the very hem of the spirit.

All in shattered

A shell that is left.