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Feeling Helpless.
Posted by Dan. Ee.
on
2:28 AM
I don't know why of all people, me! I wonder about it all the time.
No matter how many times I read the Bible, pray and ask for forgiveness every time I commit the unholy act, I feel it is not enough.
What I am doing is not small. It is not enough to redeem myself.
And then, once I prayed, make a solemn vow not to repeat it again, I do it the next day. What is it? You ask?
No I am not ready to disclose it yet..
Just that it has a powerful grip on me like smoking, alcohol addiction, drugs and the like.
This.. is grim.
Every time after I sin, I feel the guilt washing over me in a flowing tide. So heavy, until I feel everything that is around me is wrong. Wrong, to the point things really happen the other way round for me.
Is that punishment from above? This little things that happen to me after I sin?
I do not think so.
I believe the Lord's punishment surely have a deeper, more profound meaning on me than all the small wrongs that happen to me during daylight and nighttime every time after I sin.
Again, you must wonder I always use the word "sin". I may have mentioned it earlier, but please, do not press me on that subject. When I am ready, I will tell you all.
Sin has already a grip on me since I was born. Nothing strange there. But this specific deed, it has been already 5 years when I was shackled under the steel fist of this particular sin.
I curse myself sometimes. I always vow to revert back to my younger, usual self by stopping it. Only, to fail, to fall in the waiting hands of temptation, a blade thrust into my hands to cut through my willpower, walking into the filthy den of sin.
I never wrote anything of this nature, ever. Weird, no?
I hate myself for doing this sin. I hate myself even more for even unable to control myself. And the worst, I knew the consequences even when I was sinning. I am no different than a chain smoker who tells the world he wishes to quit, or the drunk who goes to the bar every night claiming its his last bottle.
Call this a confession if you may. I am just pouring this out for it has been building up like a raging maelstrom in my mind, body, spirit.
Again, I ask forgiveness from my Father, the Lord for forgiveness, wishing help and guidance from Him always. For I love the Father. He has helped me countless times when I am in pain, trouble or anything that seems wrong happen to me. I call out His name, and he answers like a father would to his child. What good am I if I, a child of God, cannot even reply in kind? Can't I obey His will? That is what He wants from all of us!
I pray the Father forgives me for my sin that I have committed. I want to walk in the ways of the righteous, not the path of sinful decay. A solemn prayer, so I would not want to sin again, at least not this grave, filthy habitual sin of mine.
Amen.
No matter how many times I read the Bible, pray and ask for forgiveness every time I commit the unholy act, I feel it is not enough.
What I am doing is not small. It is not enough to redeem myself.
And then, once I prayed, make a solemn vow not to repeat it again, I do it the next day. What is it? You ask?
No I am not ready to disclose it yet..
Just that it has a powerful grip on me like smoking, alcohol addiction, drugs and the like.
This.. is grim.
Every time after I sin, I feel the guilt washing over me in a flowing tide. So heavy, until I feel everything that is around me is wrong. Wrong, to the point things really happen the other way round for me.
Is that punishment from above? This little things that happen to me after I sin?
I do not think so.
I believe the Lord's punishment surely have a deeper, more profound meaning on me than all the small wrongs that happen to me during daylight and nighttime every time after I sin.
Again, you must wonder I always use the word "sin". I may have mentioned it earlier, but please, do not press me on that subject. When I am ready, I will tell you all.
Sin has already a grip on me since I was born. Nothing strange there. But this specific deed, it has been already 5 years when I was shackled under the steel fist of this particular sin.
I curse myself sometimes. I always vow to revert back to my younger, usual self by stopping it. Only, to fail, to fall in the waiting hands of temptation, a blade thrust into my hands to cut through my willpower, walking into the filthy den of sin.
I never wrote anything of this nature, ever. Weird, no?
I hate myself for doing this sin. I hate myself even more for even unable to control myself. And the worst, I knew the consequences even when I was sinning. I am no different than a chain smoker who tells the world he wishes to quit, or the drunk who goes to the bar every night claiming its his last bottle.
Call this a confession if you may. I am just pouring this out for it has been building up like a raging maelstrom in my mind, body, spirit.
Again, I ask forgiveness from my Father, the Lord for forgiveness, wishing help and guidance from Him always. For I love the Father. He has helped me countless times when I am in pain, trouble or anything that seems wrong happen to me. I call out His name, and he answers like a father would to his child. What good am I if I, a child of God, cannot even reply in kind? Can't I obey His will? That is what He wants from all of us!
I pray the Father forgives me for my sin that I have committed. I want to walk in the ways of the righteous, not the path of sinful decay. A solemn prayer, so I would not want to sin again, at least not this grave, filthy habitual sin of mine.
Amen.
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