Wow. I am literally on the brink of euthanasia. Towards myself.
It is sort of a mercy on myself and the lives around me I suppose.

I realized I have sunk deeper than deep into the callous mire of failure. Imagine that, I never felt as useless like this in this entire 2-bit life of mine.

Uninteresting, not even half as good looking, shy, callous humor, can't even write well, and can't even make a good lasting impression on friends.

Study wise? I am killing myself. I am doing something I literally hate. I have no idea how many times I have written this at all in my posts. Gosh, I must really despise what I am studying at the moment.

And even now in the dead of the night, I can still write about this. Why? I need to let this out before these pent up feelings consume me and my life as well. Really. I never felt this close to the Reaper's scythe ever by will before. I was always the cheerful kind. I took things lightheartedly. Although things looked bad, I would always look at it in a positive manner, I things would be solved.

Now, I have entered a zone where impossible seems to be the very trend when it comes to scoring good marks for my subjects. It seems grades are the very measure of friendship in this university life; not good grades, can't talk well, you are best left alone.
Too smart, and people would shy away from you, only treating you like an accessory when things need to be done.

However, it is the darkest before dawn. The problem with studying your hardest for anything, working your hardest for anything in this life. It is that when you do all that, your end result sometimes will end with nothing, or it yields a small fraction of the effort that was put in. A real put off. This happened to me, and it is rather a dispirited effect to the mind. The mind will be led into thinking that the only door is open is failure. Because even if you worked your hardest, yet you're not rewarded accordingly, what is exactly the point of striving?

And then my parents. I am a guy, yet, I cried when I heard they still had hopes for me, even when I know that I am taking a one way direction towards failure. How does that make you feel? There is no other feeling in this world like that. My parents love me so much, I am blessed to even have such wonderful parents. Failure after failure in my life, yet my parents still think that I have it in me to succeed one day.

But yet. I still remain the failure I am. The ugly duckling that never grew up.

Enough.

Greetings.

This is the first post I have written (in a while) that is NOT something about a story of a wasteland that is so close to home.

That's it for preview.

Part of me would want to wish my reader(s) a New Year greeting, but the lack of responses (or bodies) that I have noticed for some time, compels me to do so. (Or take this statement as a New Year greeting if you would)

Life has been quite the b*tch the past year. 2010. It was a year that I was willing to forget. Wasted opportunities, girls, choice in friends (and studies T_T). Compressing those, it was an all round streak of horrible (and contemplate-able) decisions. Even I sit here and wonder as I pen this (or type), why am I even here at all? Not saying that Engineering isn't my passion, but actually writing is.

Look at how I take the time of a beautiful but rainy, Sunday evening just to pen a senseless blog. Where I could've hunkered down to the library, shut down my computer, and pore over illegible writings and write down even more illegible formulas. If it was vice versa, I tell you now. I could've reached the heights of even entering a Dean's List, scholarships abound, offers to study overseas in droves waiting for the stroke of my pen.

*sigh*

Sadly writing is considered a "non-paying" job or "not-enough income" and maybe "who would want to employ you" statements from EVERYONE in this third world minded country. Sometimes I look at my writings and I would be proud of them. Because I conceived something, literally out of nothing.

Previously, I had a friend, a fellow writer to read some of my writings and comment on them. The response she gave me, it was actually good. I even pressed her to be honest about it. She said it was. If you are reading this Liz, thanks! Thanks aplenty! I felt as if I am some proud mom/dad looking at their child being praised by teachers. *cue puffing and huffing nose sound*

I have friends who have descended into the realm of studies and working, and some into just plain studying to impress their parents, or studying, to gain an MBA and to get a job overseas and stay there. Nowadays, in my opinion I would say, studying these days are all just about getting good grades, getting a good job, a wife, a house, a successful career. No one exactly asks you what you want to do.

I see many of my friends are in that stature. Probably I am too. But this, keeping a small space in the vast Internet, and to write what I think, let my mind out. It keeps me sane and to remind me who I really am, and what I really want.

Out.

I said too much as it is.